wasted mind, wasted thoughts

Sleepy. It's weird to say that at 1255 in the afternoon, but I am. It's a weekend! I should be energetic and ready to roam the streets and keeping myself occupied with stuff other than sleeping!

Went out for dinner with the guys to celebrate Robin's birthday. Oh man.. Why didn't anybody do anything for mine.. Maybe I'm jealous, yes, but doesn't everybody want some extra attention once in a while? Hmm.. But well, I enjoyed myself. Laughed a lot. Drank some substatantial amount of alcohol. Heard some band. But I wasn't in Walas! Bojangles was the name.. Great cosy place with a live band. Should head down some day again. The booze is cheaper than walas. Heck.
The food was cheap and good! Great ambience as well! MUST go again one day! If I had a car I will sure mark my territory there, together with the pub. Great hang out place! Highly recommanded!

Restaurent - The Vines, Near Novena Square by the main road
Pub - Bojangles, in Novena Square itself

Call me a kid. But a cake and small gifts would make my day man. When my platoon did it, I was so touched. But I knew they weren't sincere.. It was an "outing" they had to go. Someone gave me a present. I loved it and appreciate the effort, yes, but I knew it was impromptu and she didn't even know it was my birthday till someone told her (which explained the sudden gift which was bought nearby). Another someone bought me a slice of cheesecake and I really did appreciate the effort and sincerity. Though she might think it was nothing, but it was really something. Thank you. It really is the thought that counts. The Sun Yanzi signed photo and the slice of cake were the best this year. Let's hope it won't end this year.

Once friends are too used to each other, they get complacent towards each others feelings. There are times when they could do something annoying, knowing that the other party wouldn't mind. But it would be good if we could actually put in some thought for his feelings. They're still great pals after all. We should "mind" on his behalf.

Blabbering gibberish. Should get some rest.

Oh yah. I love you all.

Sigh. Man utd lost. What disappointment. We're looking at the turning point of man utd. Let's just hope for the best. Too disappointed to comment.

Gosh, today has been the worst. I've never felt so tired before!!!! I went for training as usual. Yesterday was 2 sandbags each and 2 jerrycans shared by about 15 people or so. That was still ok.. Today we were long 4 and caservaced all the way, around 5 to 6km, with only about 10 men. Poor attendance today. I guess everyone's getting mentally and physically tired, but it's the mind that actually pulled me through all these. Thank you enduring mind.

Tomorrow is the opening of the Asian Aerospace! Whoopee! Can't wait! I'd better charge my camera for tomorrow! I heard the apache's doing the stunts were fantastic! Can't wait, can't wait!

Sometimes I think my boss detests me.. I don't know why but the look he gives me seems rather weird. To add on to that, we don't speak much, and I've not smoked much, thus I've seen less of him at the yellow box. I admit I'm rather lazy but I know my priorities and I get things done if they're in urgent need. Things that can wait will wait. I get them done another time. There're so many aspects to look into.. Especially my men. Now that my right hand man is on course, I'm at the helm! (well.. I've always been at the helm. More responsibilities actually..)

I've not spoken to her for some time. Hope she's fine.. Last read from her blog doesn't seem very optismistic. I think I'd better call her up someday, if she picks up the call.. I wonder what made me think of her out of nowhere. I miss her? I don't know.
Suddenly another person came to my mind. What's up with all these? Well.. It's true that I've not contacted them much. We all miss our friends don't we? =) Hope that's really the case. I believe that's the case.. All the things I did in the past just flowed to my mind. hmm..
Argh.

Meeting Kaiming at around 7. I'd better go get changed and stuff.

Quote of the day
"With great power comes great responsibility" - Uncle Ben, Spiderman

I know this is gonna sound kinda suicidal. But what's the point of living? I must emphasise that I don't intend to die that young for I have not seen much of this obscure world. Let me ask again, what are we living for? Please do not kill yourself if you happen to read this and really ask yourself this question. I'm just a curious person who wants to find out what's really in our heads.

Everyday I do the same things over and over again. Everyday I find for something worthwhile to do. Everyday I find something to do even if it's not worthwhile. What am I doing? What is my purpose here? Here as in HERE.
I do not have the answer. Maybe I should first ask, what do I want in life? If I can find that answer, perphaps I could move on to the first question.

Our mindsets have been fixed. Society, environment, family, friends, media, have played a part in forming a path which we believe is the way and that we have to follow it in order to succeed. (Suddenly I'm thinking Matrix.. Oh gosh) What is the truth? What is life? LIFE.
Questions which I have yet gotten an answer. Oh well, perphaps I bum around too much, thus causing my mind to go into a obfuscated world of it's own.
I've always thrown these questions aside in a corner of my mind, either being lazy to face it or just afraid to know the truth. (Now thinking X-Files. I think it's television. I told you all media plays a part!)

Oh well, I'll just eat my Hello Panda and wait a while more before I go to BBDC with xw for our bike theory lessons. Oh bother..

The above is just a thought. Please don't be bothered with it. I'm bored.

Oh geez... I'm on duty today. The same old shit all the time. It's ultra boredom as you feel yourself all cooped up in this place knowing that your movements are only restricted within camp premises. It's really boring especially when you gotta wait for your turn to use everything else. You don't have the privacy of home and the many restrictions that follow. The routines you've gotta follow. Darn.

Had early morning training as usual. We had to carry a fieldpack with 2 sandbags inside about 40pounds in weight, I think. Strenous no doubt, but still the feeling of completing the whole thing is an achievement. Though I groan and moan in my mind, cursing each day I've gotta wake up early and get ready for some heavy blows to my weak body, I still force myself to participate each time, and getting the same sense of satisfaction each time after completion. It's a feeling I can't describe, call me a psycho. I don't know.

I can't wait for Asian Aerospace 04! I gotta see those apaches and F15s and Raphaels and UAVs and ......... The list goes on and on! For this, I admit I gotta thank the SAF for the free pass. HAHA. I'm gonna get myself a day off to check out the place man. Hope I take lotsa pictures. And I gotta learn how to add pictures onto my blog too.

Till next time. I'm gonna call it a day. Busted.

Quite a bad day today..
1) Man U drew 1 - 1 with Leeds
2) Chelsea Lost to Arsenal 2 - 1 meaning Arsenal's lead will be greater by 7pts!
3) Met with an accident

How can it be! Man U's losing track man.. It's gonna be REALLY TOUGH to win this season. Let's just pray for the best.
Wanted to go for some karaoke with the guys.. In the end while we were about to reach, Tim and Jason had to meet with an accident. Gosh. Tim's Mini bumped into Jason's Sunny. Freak. The bumper was wracked but no one was injured. It was only minor lah! Sat down in the carpark making a couple of phonecalls trying to find out the price of a bumper. Sigh.. Thank God both parties were close friends. Blame the bloody traffic light and yellow box. Complicated issue.. Hard to explain. But fingers won't be pointed, everyone has a responsibility.

I practically slept the whole afternoon after a 5km run at West Coast Park. I wonder where I found the energy to complete it! My whole body is still aching! I only woke up to watch a bit of TV and to get ready for dinner with my OCS mates. The dinner was ok.. Nothing special to mention about. But I was so full I wanted to puke. It was some sort of an ala carte buffet at Rice Table. The food wasn't bad.

Soccer tomorrow morning. Or rather, later in the morning. Hope I will still be alive after that. I must conserve some strength for training on Monday. Some fullpacks with sandbags! Somebody kill me! But shit must go on.. Endurance is the key I think. Oh well, just take a step at a time. Pain is good. Not in the perverted sense of self-mutilation of course.

Sleep sleep sleep. Must rest my under-nourished body! Good night crazy world.

It was a quiet evening yesterday with OCS mates. Had dinner at Spaggedies at Paragon. The food isn't bad.. But I almost had my stomach burst. I ate so much! Oh.. Pasta actually appeals to me. I love Pizzas too! But all too sinful with all the oil and fat. Tsk tsk.
We paid for Kaiming's meal and went on to Spinneli's for some tea. Couldn't stay for long because most of us were tired from the day's work.

Guess what? I'm trying to quit smoking! Now I smoke like an average of 1 stick a day or none at all! Unbelievable right? Believe it. I was sitting in the solitude of my room when the thought of saving money for my studies came into mind. I need money for my living expenses and books, etc. Then I was thinking it was outrageous paying $8.50 for a fucking pack of 20! I can buy a CD with 2 packs of cigs! So I came to a conclusion, I won't quit smoking, but I will quit buying cigs. The going will be tough...

Had quite a tiring day today. One whole morning of Ironman training. I haven't felt so shag since my OCS days. Muscles aching, back-straining, head spinning. And the thing is I've been running since last week. So for 2 weeks, my body hasn't had much rest. Even on weekends I played soccer. For this weekend, I have to go for this LIFE run held at West Coast. I guess there's soccer no Sunday. I NEED REST. I think no soccer for Sunday. Argh.. But it'll be fun.. Sheesh..
Met up with Tim and Snake for lunch, though I didn't eat anything.. Was full from breakfast. It was great seeing them though it was only for like an hour. I don't usually see them during office hours.. So it was great seeing them. Managed to doze off a couple of times in the comfort of my big chair in the office. Thank God nobody entered my office. I was just tired. I had to drag myself to bring my men to play soccer later on. I wonder where some of them actually summoned the energy to run! They had the same Ironman training in the morning! Well.. But I ran for 2 weeks.. They only started this week.. Heh. No excuses Edwin.

I've gotta go down to town for a second round again. MORE FOOD. MORE FAT INTAKE. How to diet when you've gotta go eat?? Argh.. Hope my training would help me burn and burn all the fat in me.
I'm gonna see all my long lost mates from OCS. It's been a couple of months.. Gonna have lotsa crap to share man.

I hope I manage to catch all the movies I told myself to watch. And some movies certain people recommanded me to watch.
They are: 1) Misty River
2) Cold Mountain
3) Last Life in the Universe
4) Torque
5) Raising Victor Vargas
6) Something's Gotta Give
I hope the run for Last Life in the Universe won't end it's run too soon. Or I'm gonna kill somebody. Something's Gotta Give is a tough one. I'm still thinking if I should watch it. Torque is crap, but there're bikes in it. Raising Victor Vargas had good ratings... Hmm.. Worth a try. Gonna find my movie kaki to drag along. Hope she doesn't catch EVERYTHING again...

Today's Kaiming's birthday!!! Happy Birthday Kaiming! He's a good pal to have anytime. Meeting them for dinner at 7pm in town. I wonder where it'll be. We can't decide.

I've always have a problem with deciding. I like leaving the decision making to others. I guess I'm just lazy. Even when I hang out in town I've got this difficulty in knowing what to do. Maybe I don't know many places of interest in town? hmm.. I think I've got many people hissing at me because of this..

I'm afraid of decision making. But sometimes I know I gotta do it when I don't have a choice. Sounds rather surprising coming from an officer's mouth right? They're supposed to be good in decision making. I'm the odd one out. Maybe I'm not cut out to be one. I'm a freak case that managed to make it through OCS without being spotted. I just don't want to make a wrong decision and having the people involved unhappy. I don't want anyone to be unhappy because of me. That's selfish right? I let others take the responsibility and the blame if everyone's unhappy. Sigh.. I think I gotta do something about this.
Oh yah! And I hate to contradict other people's opinions. I find it hard to rebuke. I guess I'm a softie. Too ah gua. Wendy, what's that you said I was? Heterosexual or metrosexual? Well do tell me when you see me man. And tell the rest what it means. *gulp*

I think I better leave my home soon. I'm meeting them at 7!!!!

Some thoughts came after watching american idol.. I know it's a crap show but I love Simon's sarcasm and cynical remarks. Ok, those weren't the thoughts.. What I want to say is that there're a lot of great undiscovered singers out there. So it's actually so easy to find someone who can sing, grab him, force him to sing and ta-da! You got yourself a great album! A really great song would actually come from the people behind the song. The lyrics that match up with the tune and rhythem. The voice is just how they present it to the mass. For visual, of course MTV plays a big role and the dancing.. the scantily clad women.. the breast baring.. Whatever. How I wish attention would be given to the music makers instead. The real ones slogging and not getting their well-deserved recognition.

I had lunch at a food-court today. Although I don't really like eating at food-courts or kopi tiams when I go out because of the smell that would stay on your clothes, I was in my uniform and I'm invincible in uniform.
There was this fat guy who sat near me. There were some uncleared plates and stuff where he was seating. He placed his food down on the table and stood there pointing to the uncleared soiled plates with disatisfaction to the cleaner nearby. It was as though the uncle owed him a living and that he gave rightful orders which had to be executed immediately. As the poor OLD uncle cleared the dishes, I said "thank you" to him even though he did not clear my table. The fat chap looked at me amazed. He must be thinking, "why in the world would this officer say thank you to a cleaner who's doing his job!?". To me, the guy's just a fat bastard who's killing himself by eating.
Moral of the story? Don't take the people around us for granted. No one owes us a living. Maybe our parents.. But still, NO ONE. Always put ourselves in the shoes of others and emphatise with others all the time. It's up to us to change our lives and show others through our actions and make them think about how they've been living. Give others a chance.
Oh yah, I'm not trying to say I'm a saint and that people should be like me. I'm still trying my best to lead my life the right way I think it should be. It's good to make the people around us happy. Try it.

Sleep. Gotta do more training tomorrow. On to be an Ironman!
Oh what the fuck.. Sigh.

Well I don't want to continue with the boring life that I have written in the yesterday's blog.
Today was practically another boring day. I guess it'll be another one tomorrow. I must do something..!

Ironman training starts tomorrow. I will be participating in this competition between the companies. It involves a 5km run with FBO followed by jerry can moving, then, moving of 40 sandbags, then caservacing or however you spell it. I think I'm gonna be dead. The thought of completing this hellish act is already welling up feelings of fear within me. I seriously hope I will survive this ordeal. I got this feeling I'm gonna break my back. But to complete this would be an achievement. I'm gonna make myself finish this. I want to have the feeling back. Those days in OCS where I had to endure lotsa shit and make myself finish the race. It always gives me a sense of achievement. Now I have the chance to get it, I'm gonna get it.

I think I'm gonna watch some TV then go to sleep. I gotta lead the run tomorrow. =(
Wish me luck. The Ironman Challange starts 6th March. Pray for me. I am worried.

Heck. Had to stop halfway due to some interruption. My brother came home. Let me continue my boring day tomorrow and I will continue from where I left off. Anyway it's the same everyday.

I am tired. I will go sleep now. Oh yah! I saw my sect com from BMT and he said I looked thinner! ALRIGHT MAN! I must continue my running sessions and diet... On the way to weight loss!

Good night world.

Hold On by Good Charlotte. Great song, though it has been overplayed on the radio. I remember hearing it in camp and the song caught my attention. Few songs can catch my attention the first time. Well, I think this is the first time I thank the radio for introducing a song to the ignorant people out there including me.

Usually just by hearing one song from a band would help you know if they produce good music all the time. After you go looking for more of their songs, it re-affirms your judgement. I think I should go look for more of their songs. Hope I won't get disappointed. I gotta thank Wendy for all the songs she sent me. Although I don't support piracy, I admit I gotta yield to temptation.... And she has hell lotsa stuff she can send! Of coz you must offer something in return... I upload my fair share of songs to her too you know, though it isn't very proportional, the amount I send =)

Now I'm thinking about what I actually did the whole day. Nothing much actually. Let me list out my daily itinerary..

Wake up at 7, and roll around in bed for 5 to 10mins before I go wash up for work. I'm done by latest 0730 and leaves for camp. Reach at around 0745 and starts changing to my uniform S-L-O-W-L-Y. But no matter how slow I take, I still will get done by 0805 or 0810. I will have a smoke and then get my breakfast. After all that, I will go to my office and switch the computer and the radio on. I will read what ever mail I've got before figuring out what to do next. I will occasionally got to the toilet or to smoke to waste time. (Please be reminded that all that's written here only happens on a boring day.) I read FHM a couple of times and read some horror book by Damien Sin (guess how bored I was?) Don't ask me how the hell I got that book. It's not mine. I finished 3 stories and found out it was lunch time. I took up a document and pretended to read it with my back facing the door. Guess what I was going to do? I took a nap... Yeah it was good. Thank God nobody caught me. I remember getting disturbed a couple of times but I had my back covered.. Literally.. Ha.
1330hrs. I had to find something to do, but my spec actually can to save me. to be continued

Good Charlotte - Hold On
This world
This world is cold
But you don't
You don't have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely, and no one seems to care
You're mother's gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bear

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know

Your days
You say they're way too long
And your nights
You can't sleep at all
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for, but you don't want to no more
And you're not sure what you're looking for, but you don't want to no more

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on

What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you're doing to me?
Go ahead...What are you waiting for?

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Hold on

Finished watching Moulin Rouge on TV a couple of minutes back.. It is a good show. I hate to admit this but Ewan Mcgregor is charming. I am not gay.

Sigh.. "How beautiful life can be if we can love and be loved in return." Taken from the show, if it's not wrong.. Indeed, life would be really beautiful, but how often does that happen when we love and get back the same amount given, or more! Ok. Let's presume that happens. How long will that last? 1 month? 2 months? A year? A couple of years? Whoever mentions love till death better think about it before saying it. Girls, if guys actually tell you that they'll love you till the day they die, think again. TILL THE DAY THEY DIE? People make cheap the words that flow from our mouths. Over the decades and centuries, it's value has depreciated. Why? Because we abuse that gift from God, the ability to speak. But what comes out from our mouths? Lies. We must always remind ourselves to think before we speak, and to add honesty and sincerity into the things we say. That would make speaking more worth while and listening more pleasant.

I've always loved shows that make me think on the values in the show that's plucked from our lives. Come what may.. I only thought of it as a song when I first heard it. But after listening to the song from the show itself, there's a lot of difference. Come what may. Is it really possible to find such love so strong everything can be overcomed? In a fairy tale perphaps.. But someone told me it's possible and that I can't think so pessimistically. It is possible. Enjoy the song for now.

Moulin Rouge OST - Come What May
Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And storms may collide
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you, I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

Back home after a short evening with my buds. It later increased to the Frivolous Five with the insertion of Goose. Had dinner at Holland V then later on went to the snake's lair to watch the remaining minutes of the second half of Man U vs Man City.
Tim had to leave first to attand to something, so the 4 of us went to Bt Timah Market to have something to eat. We had a long chat regarding life itself. The people, the environment, the adaptation phase, the relationships, the friends. It was a refreshing but yet saddening to bring out the cruel facts of life. We have many decisions we have to make. Responsibilities come with those decisions, meaning it doesn't end when we have made a decision. We have to be responsible to whatever comes with those decisions.
Flexibility is applied when it comes to adaptation towards the environment. We can't always stick to our principles. Others around us have theirs to worry about too. Everyone has to compromise. Relationships with our peers is very important.

I don't want to talk about all these issues now.. Its a bit too late, I gotta wake up for soccer in the morning. But one thing I would like to add on is that I am glad I have friends talking about these issues and not having any barriers to such taboo topics. At least I can share my thoughts which have been stored in my head for some time.
Peace out.

Haha.. Guess what the Lonely Hearts Club is doing today? hmm... The Frivolous Four will be going for dinner and watching Man U vs Man City (I hope I got the match right. Its Man City right?) Typical guy stuff...
Who's the Frivolous Four? Me, Tim, Seng and snake.

Frivolous: Unworthy of serious attention; trivial: a frivolous novel.
(Courtesy of www.dictionary.com)

Indeed, I admit I am unworthy of attention. I don't know about the other three. But I reckon, yes, as we're out together today. SORRY GUYS!

So why am I still blogging if I'm going out? The driver overslept! Hahaha.. We don't blame him. After all he's already doing us the big favour of chauffering us around. What more can we ask for? Now I'm just waiting for him to come. I'm still thinking of where I'm gonna grab dinner. Ponders.

Oh how my back hurts!! I can't hunch much due to a very very tight muscle. I feel the strain when I bend or twist! Help... I think I need a physio.

My mum's at home. After I go out, she's gonna be alone. That seems so sad. I told her to grab some of my aunts out but she declined. My dad's at someone's housewarming. Oh well.. If I had a car I would maybe drive her out for dinner and give up on the Lonely Hearts Club, forming my own Fillial Sons Club. Hope she has fun watching TV. There's Stephen Chow on tonight.

I'm still waiting.. But this time for a good cause! I'm waiting for Tim! No longer for some female! Come quick Tim, I miss the Mini Cooper.. and you of course! ;)

Happy valentine's day people. Hope this meaningless day (for me maybe) would be of some good to your sex life or at least your hunger for flesh. Good luck poor dicks.

Well, I had quite a stress filled day today. Whoopee. I never drank so much kopi O and smoked so many ciggys in 30mins before (maybe I did, but i forgot), but anyway, why can't men protect themselves from getting into trouble? Is it so difficult to practise "Prevention is better than cure"? Why do they always think that their PC is going to protect them all the time, or even give them a chance? I think I'm being too nice. But I really can't bring myself to punish them heavily, after all, I've been there, done that. I know how shitty it feels like to not go home to our caring mothers and concerned fathers. BULLSHIT. I just don't want to ruin their chances of going out clubbing and stuff and broadening their social circles, mainly with the opposite sex. One of them even cried today. He was one of my best and one of my favourite. He was crying not because I gave them a lashing, but because he was blaming fate for being so cruel, always putting him into predicaments one after another. What would you have done? hmm... The punishments are KIV. I will see how on monday.

Watched Along Came Polly with Wendy. The show isn't that funny after all. I hate to say this but... it sucks? Hmm... Maybe it's just me.

At last I passed the gift to her (not Wendy). It was great to see her, but the feeling is different this time. It felt like a friend whom I've not seen for a long time and that we had lotsa catching up to do. I like that feeling, compared to a waiting feeling. She handed me a gift too. It was a black choker. I appreciate the gift, but I don't wear much ornamental stuff on me.

I think I've really gotten over all these problems. It's good to face it. The truth sometimes is just right in your face but you just choose to keep your eyes close, not willing to accept it. Peep once in a while. It will do some good. It might even persuade you to open those big fat eyes of yours to look at the whole picture.

Some activities that might keep me occupied on v-day
1) Karaoke Sessions
2) Watch Love Actually with the Lonely Hearts Club
3) Watch soccer at the snake's lair
4) Go drinking (not excessively)
5) Go get a hooker (JUST KIDDING)
6) Surf the net
7) Watch TV the whole day

But first, I think I better go sleep. I gotta wake up at 7am for work and here I am nearing 3am, still bitching. Good night to myself, and hey Edwin, Happy Loser's Day!

I love the song I put up yesterday. Faces in disguise.
I really love these bands and their music. Very real, very raw. Maybe that's why people call them underground bands. It has been my dream to be a musician or anything to do with music since young. Composing? Writing? Guitar? Drums? I love music. But how do you go about doing it? Join Singapore Idol? That's a joke. Look at what's happening to real music. Look at what we're paying for to listen. Utter thrash. Listen to what's on the radio these days. Crap. What happened to real music? Every song on the radio is so related to anything concerning LOVE. And what's written in most of those songs are bullshit.
We need exposure. We need more exposure to the bands who are ever so willing to write and write and write. Imagine if their songs were on the radio, we would be listening to them now.
Who gives the stations the right on what to play..? Oh well... Money makes the world go round. Publicity. Tsk tsk. Such a sad mercenary world we're living in.
Sometimes the more we see, the more we feel sorry for what's happening to this place we live in.
Damn. I think I get carried away very easily and float off to whatever's on my mind too easily. Haa

Once more the back aches. I think I will go see the MO soon. I hope it won't get worse.

The chair I am sitting on right now stinks. AND I MEAN IT. But I don't have a choice... And furthermore, nothing's done by the owner. I hope it's air-ed at least....

I can't wait to ORD. I fucking hate the pointless things I do there. Conducts, Parades, Wayang sessions, staring sessions. And being forced to be a dog or else your boss hates you and you will suffer till you ORD. I think that's happening to me now... I got a feeling my boss hates me.. ARGHHHH.
To add to that, think of a hokkien peng boss who drinks and smokes a lot. I know that sounds like me. Shut up.

Damn. I was thinking this post would be without any topic on relationships, but here it comes running through my head again.
I am glad I decided to stop all my shit stiring. I'm not going to go after anyone for some time i guess... It creates a lot of unnecessary problems and stress. Like as if work isn't enough..
Having my mind sort of cleared from these issues makes me feel great. I feel much happier, though sometimes I think about stuff, but not that often. Letting go is such an important thing I think all of us should learn. Let go.

I don't know why I feel so lethargic everyday. I almost overslept this morning for work. Thank God my camp is near and that I own a bike. Phew!

I still feel sleepy. And achy. My back is aching every single day. I don't understand why the hell it happens everyday! And furthermore after exercising (i.e running) for the day and later sleeping, the next day would be worse! Now I've got certain angles I can't bend. Even touching my toes are a chore. I think I can't have sex anymore... Let's hope it's for the moment only! Not the sex though... =)

I think relationship problems are the most unwanted issue you would like to have. After talking to myself many times and almost seeing the light, the weight is already getting lesser and I feel so much better. Letting go is difficult, but then it helps. Why burden yourself when YOU are already such a heavy bastard?
Aren't other issues already weighing you down? And relationship problems is the last thing you would want to carry. LAST. I repeat again, LAST.

Regarding the above paragraph, well someone told me, "How old are you to talk about giving up and complaining? It's not the end, how can you give yourself a verdict so soon?" It went something like that... I didn't really quote from her as I am a really absent minded person. Dementia... She's one of my good friends who actually has quite similiar views and taste pertaining to music and movies. And she loves perfume. Some of the things I like. Ha.

Oh well, I think there're other problems out there that we're facing that actually needs more attention than the rest. Well.. small things like health? Wealth? Damn... I'm thinking of relationships again when it comes to problems... I think we can't deny the fact that it's not that important but close to our hearts. Sorry.

Let's talk about something else. Music!

Some CDs that I would love to have
1) The new Pet Shop Boys CD, Pop Art (I think)
2) The last Elva CD.. Not the latest one
3) The No Doubt Singles
4) Some Sunday's Best CDs!! HMV don't have their CDs at all! *SHOCK*
5) Anything Beyond that I don't have
6) Anything Sun Yanzi that I don't have
7) DAMN! Actually anything Elva too..
8) Maybe Travis? They're not bad.
9) RHCP

Sheesh.. My birthday is over. And I don't have any of the above mentioned.
HA HA HA, oh what the fuck.

Sunny Day Real Estate - Faces In Disguise
These fears come rushing in when I enter here
Another layer on my back
A blazing fire where our glances meet
The largest feeling towering over me

Faces in disguise
Not a trace of desire

I long to take you to a secret place
Where we could lay aside our past
We’d throw the world away with all it’s pain
To shine like stars through storm and clouds and rain

Faces in disguise
Not a trace of desire
(cold faces in disguise)**
(not a trace of desire)**

Go face the day
Go and see new things
Go face the day
But you’ll remember me...

I see a tear inside when you’re turned away
Another wound that I’d take back
If I could fill your heart just once and then
I’d take you now where we could live again

Faces in disguise
Not a trace of desire
(cold faces in disguise)**
(not a trace of desire)**

Go face the day
Go and see new things
Go face the day
But you’ll remember me...

Faces in disguise
Not a trace of desire
(cold faces in disguise)**
(not a trace of desire)**

Ah... Feels good to be home after a long ride from Changi Airport to Bukit Panjang. My arse was killing me. So was the wind in my eyes. I had to close my eyes a couple of times during the ride to allow it to chill... They felt the strain.
Why was I at the airport? Eric's flying off to Melbourne to study psychology.. Lucky dude. How I wish I had the finances to support my own trip. Sigh, we have to work hard for some things I guess. Sacrifices must be made too. Oh well, what's mine? I wish him all the best and to come back with his degree in one piece.

I threw my thoughts out at someone yesterday... Remember me being pissed without receiving a reply? I spoke my heart out to her yesterday night. And how very direct I was.. I think she must be put off from all the verbal abuse. No vulgarities were used. She apologised and I felt quite bad.. Usually I would be patient and thoughtful towards her feelings. What made me throw all that aside? I think the time has come for me to conclude my feelings. I think her tactics are working on me at last. I might have given up? I dunno. I'm supposed to meet her tomorrow to pass her a gift that's been lying on my table for nearly a month. Let's hope she likes it. It's rather plain though.. I wouldn't like it if I received it. Hahaha..

I THINK I'm hardening.. Not my dick! Rather my feelings and affection towards the opposite sex. I no longer think about how they feel. I'm turning selfish. All along I only want them to be happy and not ask for anything from them. Sounds very noble right..? Bullshit. Come to think of it I am quite a dope. I am a dope. Have I been too nice? Or rather I'm just too subtle with my advances? Maybe I should ask the females around me. Can anyone answer me?
I think I should give myself a break.

Work sucks. I detest going to camp everyday, but yet I still find some strength from God knows where to pull myself there. I love my men. I love the little conversations with them and the funny things they do. But yet the responsibility of their welfare is at my disposal. I want them to be happy. I want their efforts to be recognised. But do the people sitting above me know what they want? It's up to me to tell them. But do they listen? I really hope my men understand my plight. I want the best for them, but some things are just beyond my ability.
I read some of the comments I told them to write about the platoon and the problems they face at hand. It's quite disappointing and sad to see the things they write. It makes me feel as though I'm not working hard enough (which is true sometimes) and that I'm not making any effort to improve their situations. They make it sounds as though I don't care for them, which is the last thing I would do before I ORD. What can I do? I take each day as it comes, hoping for an answer to pop out. Each individual I face has his own problems and character. It's hard to make everyone happy. But that's a goal I must score.

I need sleep. Long day tomorrow.

Sunday's Best - The Salt Mines Of Santa Monica

Say what you want to.
So what does that prove?
In the end, we will see our truth.
I'll hand it to you,
you sure had me fooled.
You sure you want my truth?

You've heard it all before.

All the things that you have.
All the things that you had:
Was it really so bad?
We did what we had to.
So why do I miss you?

I heard what you said, but I know how you think.
Just know that no one's ever going to take it away…

You were right.
You're still right.

Have you ever had boredom at its peak where you just lie in bed staring into space, not knowing what to do for hours... I just had that.

I find myself hard to entertain. Basically, I can't find anything I like to entertain myself with. I used to like playing the guitar, but now it resides in a corner, all alone and screaming for attention, just like me. I don't read, I TRY watching television, I can't find anything to surf, I got no VCDs to watch, I don't talk on the phone, I don't play games. What can I do?
Usually I just get people to keep me company, even if it means doing nothing. They do nothing with me. But it's just as hard finding people to keep you company... Everyone's busy with their own lifestyle. I am busy with my lifestyle as well... which is emptiness.

What to do, what to do, what to do.. Can someone give me an answer? What can actually occupy most of my time? It would be a bonus if that time wouldn't be wasted. Maybe I have the answer... And I'm in the midst of it right now.. ;)

Oh well. Something seems to be bothering me... Knowing that someone seems to be ignoring you is a very bothersome thought. It's like a fly, you want to shoo it away, but it just keeps pestering.
I've been controlling myself from any form of contact. I know that she wouldn't like that... So since she'd be happy without me pestering, I would not want to be that same fly. I would control.... I'm in control.. Crap. We must always know our limits. NEVER NEVER push the limit..
Enough said.

Just woke up.. I actually wasted my leave and $111... I did nothing the whole damn day! And to think I woke up early today specially just to do up my bike... That piece of metal junk.. Hell, I just can't wait to get rid of it.

And I was actually waiting for a certain reply from a certain somebody... God damn it, sometimes I just gotta admit that I am pissed from all that waiting. Is it so difficult to just give a decent reply to prevent me from waiting? I WASTED MY WHOLE FUCKING LEAVE WAITING. but wat can i do but whine and whine and whine...
Further more I'm not even meeting her for the whole day or something, it just takes a few seconds to pass her something. ARGH. No more said.
I GIVE UP.

Movies I want to watch
1) Gothica
2) Torque
3) Love Actually
4) Suicide Club
5) Can't actually remember! hmm...

Movies I missed
1) Lord of the rings, Return of the king
2) Dead End
3) Sound of Colours
4) Damn a lot more, wait till I remember

Now that I started blogging, I didn't know that knowledge with HTML actually helps. Damn, I should have studied harder during my poly days. I wasted my 3 years.. I should be ashamed of myself. Let's hope that if I really get to study for my degree, I'd do something I really like this time. HOPE. gulp..

Watched Love Me If You Dare yesterday... It was a nice show.. But why am I always watching the right shows with the wrong people? Not that I am blaming my buds, I love them, but I think something is not right. Well let's talk about the show shall we?
Heartwarming and tickles. The young Julian was really handsome and cute. Young Sophie was cute in the white dress for the wedding. 2 people actually wasted years before actually loving each other but it was too late. They were caught up with maturity and responsibility, something that comes with age. Cap ba cap? (Game or not?) Should we just take our chances when they come? Or look in depth into the future and plan everything ahead and worried that it wouldn't work out? We'll see.

FUCK THIS BORING DAY

Oh what the heck, this place is supposed to be for ME to throw out my thoughts, and if anyone really gets to read it, do I care?
I guess I'll rarely get a chance to blog anyway... All thanks to my brother who hogs the computer. Maybe I should start a journal instead.. Ha

The sudden urge to have my mind thrown onto this website. What can I write? I've so far been rather careful with the words I use and the things I say because of restrictions, be it work or play. Everything we say has its purpose and we must know what's it's purpose before we actually throw them out of our heads. So for now, this very first entry will be a subtle one... Hopefully I'll stay bright and optimistic to make this place look good, and not to affect other's thoughts and feelings... If anyone so happens to make his/her way here. We'll see.