wasted mind, wasted thoughts

Having mixed feelings about something.
But, I'm glad that everything is ironed out.
At the expense of my sleep.
Totally shagged out in camp!
And I didn't have the chance to skive today!
I wonder how I'm gonna survive Euro tonight.
Holland and Portugal.
Go Netherlands!

--------------------------------

I fear aging.
Not because I fear death.
I fear to age because of knowledge.
It's a love hate relationship.
Not knowledge of academic areas, but knowledge of life.
The older you get the more you know. Or see.
Knowledge is something both good and bad.
Good, because it makes you sensible and wise.
Bad, because you know too much, and you see more from different angles.
Sometimes it's really sad to find out about what's going on with someone.
Maybe that's why there's a saying that goes "ignorance is bliss"?
Remember Adam when he bit into the flesh of the forbidden fruit and digested it's contents?
He actually was ashamed to see that he was in the buff. (Though I think he actually enjoyed looking at Eve)
I think that's a good analogy for this topic.

-----------------------------

Had an enjoyable game of footy at our homeground.
Though I totally sucked (as usual), I still had lotsa fun.
Indeed, I think footy is the only way I would actually make myself run.
My muscles are totally strained.
There was an embarrassing moment that I must share with all.
First of all, I apologise to whom it may concern.
Next, I hope they'd take it as a compliment.
As we were playing footy, the ball got kicked rather far from the court.
As veggie went to pick the ball, I noticed this rather pleasant looking girl walking slowly towards the direction of our court.
As usual, my reaction towards pleasant looking girls would be a couple of wolf whistles.
Later I figured that I was the only one checking her out.
I asked if they were blind as they did not join in my goofy ways.
A certain mok had to unveil the shocking news to me.
SHE WAS A CERTAIN VEGGIE'S GIRLFRIEND!
Dumbfounded, I could only beg for forgiveness from the oncoming veggie who went to pick the ball.
Please forgive me dear veggie and yf, for I have sinned and am willing to atone for it.
I'm willing to be a slave till the end of days for my grave mistake.
Forgive me dear veggie!
But well, if you like the compliment, maybe you'd want to buy me dinner or something?
I think I should just shut up now.

Hail the champions!

The exuberance of joy in me can't be placed in mere words.
Although many may not put importance into this day, it has brought forth enormous joy within me.
Holland vs Sweden.
Such an intriguing match it was.
It was a match of utmost importance.
Holland made it to the semi-finals.
I can't get to sleep.
The adranaline within me is still pumping.
A superb save from Van der sar, a decisive penalty by Robben.
Cheers to you both.
A toast to the Netherlands!
Indeed, the orange.
The dutch made it.

Suddenly thought of a question.
Why is it that life is considered precious?
Feel free to comment.
Sleep is precious..
ZzZZZzZz

I'm glad I went over last night.
Sometimes isn't it good that certain things don't end up the way we want it to be?
Perhaps something better might be installed for the future.
Perhaps perhaps perhaps.
I only want the best outcome.
I don't want the best for me.
That would be selfish.
In fact, I feel really good right now.
I feel relieved.

-------------------------

Well, I've been accident free for 3 years.
Not counting the really minor ones like bumping into someone's bumper, or someone bumping into my behind..
This time it just involves me and the curb.
I don't know how the hell I could have misjudged the turn and actually scrapped the curb during a turn and had to jump off the bike...
Well, the jump wasn't a good one so I kinda got my left foot cramped beneath the bike.
THANK GOD FOR NIKE SANDALS.
The tough sole actually could support the weight of my bike(which still amazes me).
I had to summon all my strength to lift my bike off to release my poor foot.
All I could do at that point in time was to curse and swear, and thanking God for making me land on the grass.
Had only some minor ba guas and bruises.
And not forgetting a dented fairing, a broken signal light, some scratches, and a badly bent license plate.
Thank God.

----------------------------

England is out!
Three cheers for that!
That brings the end of boring football for the rest of the matches!
THEY TOTALLY DON'T DESERVE TO WIN.
I wonder how they actually qualified in the first place.
Eriksson is such an ass(Donkey).
Plenty of good players, but not making use of their full potential.
The results proves it all.
I rest my case.
God bless the UK.

----------------------------

I'm happy still!
But of course a little disappointed.. =)
But it's ok!
I'm happier than I am disappointed!

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

Oh yah.
I'm still very happy.
And it's not because Holland won and got through to the quater-finals.

You've always been asking me for the reason behind my happiness.
Now you know.
I hope you're always happy too.
Thank you.

This song is for you.

Barry Manilow - Can't Smile Without You
You know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh, and I can’t walk
I’m findin’ it hard even to talk
And I feel sad when you’re sad
I feel glad when you’re glad
And you must know what I’m goin’ thru
I just can’t smile, without you

You came along just like a song
You brightened my day
Who’d believe you were part of a dream
That only seemed light years away

And you know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
And you must know what I’m goin’ thru
I just can’t smile, without you

Some people say the happiness wave
Is somethin’ that’s hard to find
Into the new leavin’ the old behind me
And I feel sad when you’re sad
I feel glad when you’re glad
And you must know what I’m goin’ thru
I just can’t smile, without you

And I feel sad when you’re sad
I feel glad when you’re glad
And you must know what I’m goin’ thru
I just can’t smile, without you

You must know what I’m goin’ thru
I just can’t smile, without you

I must tell everyone about this ache in my heart or else I will die a sorry soul.

As everyone knows, I'm on leave till Monday due to the great titanic clashes from Euro.
But it so happens, the SAF never fails to loosen it's choking grip on my neck.
I HAD TO COME BACK ON LEAVE TO SETTLE SOME S*IT.
It's not 1 day.
Not 2 days.
But 3 FU*KING DAYS!!
And it's all in the F*CKING MORNING! (ok.. except on Wednesday.. It was an afternoon.)
Why? Why don't they leave me in peace?
Yes, you might say that I'm complaining over a few hours of leave and that I'm calculative... But have they ever given us early time-offs to go home?
I need some breathing space! HELLO!?
The purpose I took the bloody leaves is because I want to sleep in the mornings!
And all this have to happen!
IN THE MORNINGS.
I am so pissed I can go on and on about how I'm being exploited and being at their back and call like Bobby(refer to snake's blog).

Well, on a lighter note, I'm damn slack when I'm working because there's practically nothing better to do then to read, sleep, kopi, and OCCASIONAL smoke breaks.
So maybe that's why I seem to owe them a living...
They can't possibly pay me $1k a month to do nothing right?

Oh what the heck.
ORD loh.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sigh.
Not being able to express one's feelings well.
I think that's the saddest thing to happen to someone.
Not knowing how to express one's feelings.
I think that's the next saddest thing to happen to someone.
Sigh.
But I'm still happy.

Please read the lyrics.
Listen to the song if possible.

The Observatory - This Sad Song

This sad song will write itself
When you're gone
When there's no one else
Empty the streets of people
and you'll find yourself
the saddest song
unfolding unto itself

Hungry the hearts of people
who can never find love

This sad life lives by itself
When it's gone
no one wonders what's going on
Empty the rooms of lonely
people by themselves
The saddest lives
unfolding
searching for a meaning to carry on

Good people who can never find love
True love
for people
All their lives spent looking
for the hearts of people
who can never find love
Feed the hungriest hearts with love

This sad world
all by itself
when it's gone
so will everybody else
Empty the hearts
of people
who've never given love
to a stranger
filled with hunger in the heart

So blue, what do you do?
Without love
Feed the hungriest hearts with love

Just as I thought, here I am again.

I'm about to talk about something that I've been afraid to face.
The future. What does it hold for me?
I'm sure I'm not the only person afraid of what is ahead.
Do we dare face our future?

The question of what I'm gonna do when I ORD is one that has never left the lips of my friends, family, whatever.
It's a good question that a stranger could ask the moment he know's that I'm still serving.
So here's the million dollar question.

"What are you going to do once you ORD?"
Rephrase (for those not in the Army).
"What is your next step in life?"

-----

I've always believed in being true to yourself.
I would be the last person I would want to cheat on.
So what do I really want?
Maybe I can start with knowing what I don't want.
I don't want to go get a job, earn some money, and make do with having enough to eat till death.
I think people need more then that to live.
Live as in, to live life to the fullest, not just "living".
I want to know more about being human.
I want to know what make people think certain thoughts, do certain things, have certain behavior.
In this current lifetime, everything's all about money.
It's a survival tool for the poor, a weapon for the rich.
I classify myself as poor, thus it's a survival tool for me.
I would be contended with surviving, but what about the very thing that makes us human?
Money doesn't make us human.
What exactly does?
Not many people actually bother about the essence of being alive anymore.

So I think I can put down in words my vague future for now.

- Get a job that offers enough to enable my living, and satisfy my hunger for knowledge about the above mentioned.

I don't think I've answered the question yet.
Oh well.

I'm so bored.
I think I'm just gonna blog the rest of my leave away.
I'm so bored.
Ack.
I practically woke up, spoke on the phone for a while, ate lunch and came online all the way.
What a waste of leave!
Was thinking of reading, but if I read at home alone, I'd most probably fall asleep.

I can't help thinking about...
Help.
I think I'll go find some other entertainment.
I guess I'll blog again later in a few minutes.

Happiest of moments so far. Thank God for the camera, and my friends. Who cares about being an officer? 

Penned this on the 12th June 2004.
I wonder what made me write this spell-like lyrics.

Confusion
Questions and queries,
with words of fury
Consume your sanity,
Feed on your mortality

Buckets of fear,
filled to the brim
Await the moment,
forming a stream

Making your choice,
choose what entice
For that moment of folly,
we act oh, so holy

Strip yourself from clouded thoughts
There're rays of light, piercing through the grey
Pitter and patter, they fall from the sky,
Refreshing each moment, you'd want to fly

I'm still happy. But kinda troubled.
Hmm... I remember what my PC always said back in OCS.
"Always take one step back, and look two steps ahead."
I think that was what he said...
Sigh..
How long can my happiness last?
As long as I can keep it.. I hope.
I want to be in control of my happiness.
Sigh..

Holland lost.
What a dramatic match it was.
To lose a game you were winning.
Humbug.

I feel a sense of loss because I feel like I can't do anything to help at all.
It's like you wanting to do something for someone but getting your offer declined?

I do not want to end up lost.
I do not want to end up in naught.
I do not want to shoved aside.
I do not want to be stuck at that level.

I admit I want to be important.
I admit I am selfish for wanting to be happy all the time.
I admit I've got my flaws and that I am not perfect.
I admit I want to get to a different level.

But is all that possible?

Oh yah, I'm still very happy. 

Me and Eric at DB. Not detention barracks, but Devil's bar. Notice my beautiful ORIGINAL Holland jersey. I'm so proud of it! 

I'm still happy.
I hope it lasts as long as it can, cos it really feels good when you're happy.
I want to spread my joy with the people around me.
I really do.
I hope everybody can feel my joy!

I remember wanting to tell everybody about so many things today.
But I just forgot what.

Have you ever felt like you wanted to pour out your whole life to someone?
As in to tell her everything or anything with regards to yourself?
Telling her everything or anything she wanted to know?
Hmmm

Was at the Singapore Internation Documentary Film Festival yesterday.
It was pleasant, cosy, and refreshing (not forgetting cold).
You can feel the honesty in every show.
You can feel the effort with every piece.
You can feel the message conveyed.
You can feel the emptiness they feel, due to the amount attention given to the arts.
God save the arts.

I love this line that from the song in Moulin Rouge, "Your Song".

- "How wonderful life is now you're in the world"

======================================================
Ewan Mcgregor - Your Song
My gift is my song
And this one's for you
And you can tell everybody
That this is your song
It maybe quite simple
But now that it's done
Hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is now you're in the world

Sat on the roof
And I kicked off the moss
Well some of the verses well
They got me quite cross
But the sun's been kind
While I wrote this song
It's for people like you that
Keep it turned on

So excuse me for forgetting
But these things I do
You see I've forgotten
If they're green or they're blue
But well the thing is what I really knew
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

And you can tell everybody
This is your song
It may be quite simple
But now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is now you're in the world
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is now you're in the world
=========================================================

Indeed, how wonderful life is, now you're in my world.
Thank you.

I feel happy.
For certain reasons.
I am,
Happy I went out yesterday.
Happy that I'm done with the week(almost, I'm the DO tomorrow).
Happy with what I currently have.
Happy that I knew her.
Happy that Eric would be back Saturday.
Happy that I've got my bosom friends(yeah Reccos!).
Happy that I'm ORD-ing soon(but not soon enough).
Happy that today is pay-day(though it's $120 lesser).
Happy that I am here.
Happy that I am Edwin.
Happy that I've got the new Holland jersey.
Happy that I got someone the Evenstar.
Happy that work ends at 1730hrs.
Happy that Euro is coming this Saturday.
Happy that I am happy.
Happy if she is happy.

Remember the quote from Moulin Rouge?
"How wonderful it is to love, and to be loved in return".
Indeed.. That would be amazing.
Imagine it to be a one-sided thing.
Just to love and not to be loved in return.
Doesn't it sound frightening?

Gosh. I think I'm sounding a little too mushy..
It's so NOT me!!

 

I feel so crap today.
I just finished a conduct today only to look forward to another tomorrow and the day after tomorrow.
I had to squeeze people's balls to start them moving and to ensure everything myself.
It is kinda frustrating.
I can't seem to focus even when I'm on the phone (If you're reading this, SORRY!!).
I seem to get agitated easily.
Espeicially when I am asked questions which usually sound like "can I claim off?", "can I take leave?".
And that happened while in the middle of some important work I gotta rush.
To add on, someone lost a wallet but I can't do anything to help at all.
Sigh.

CO is taking IPPT tomorrow.
I got this strong feeling I'll get a tear in my behind.

Joy hath found thee.
I got "surprised" with a gift.
I got the latest Holland jersey from someone.
I really couldn't help but stay motionless and shocked for that moment.
All I can say is that I don't have this thing with gifts as I hardly had any my life.
I can even say the same for the remaining years of my life.
So receiving a gift would be a big thing for me.
Call me corny or whatever, but it's true.
I'm a sucker for gifts, any kind.
Maybe I'm cheap? I don't care.
I'm just not used to receiving gifts, except offering them.

I'm really confused.
I don't want to jump into conclusions.
I must make careful thoughts this time.

I just got reminded yesterday that I've been loveless for 5 years.
That's half a decade.
1 out of 20 of a century.
Maybe if some of you are reading this, it might bring a frown to your face as you've got a similiar experiance.
Yes, I've been alone for 5 years and I haven't noticed it.
I only complain once in a while and forget about it again the next moment.
Have I been too complacent with life?
Or there really isn't a need for someone special?
Can close friends really fill up that spot?
Maybe I ask for too much out of a person?
I've got a small circle of female friends?

I feel as though I got pulled out of a situation but placed into a new one.
Someone saved me, but got me into another predicament.
Maybe it isn't that bad. I shouldn't call it a predicament.
It might be a blessing in disguise.
I can only wait. No more rushing and forcing and guessing.
Just stay cool, composed, and allow it to flow freely.

Last line to everyone before I prepare for town where Jason's got free bags waiting for us.
Love is in the air!

The Eagles - Desperado
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get
Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late

I got the Evenstar at last!
But it's in the right hands now.
Wanted it to be a surprise, but guess I kinda leaked out some information.
It's hard to give surprises when one's so honest!

"It's mine to give to whom I will, like my heart."
- Arwen, when giving the Evenstar to Aragon

I hope I quoted it correctly.
It came straight from my head.

I really hope the receiver loved it.
And I hope the Evenstar has served its purpose, that is to keep its mistress happy.
Always.
I hope it constantly reminds her of the giver as well.

hmm.....
=)

-----------------------------------------------

It's a boring Saturday today.
Guess I'll be staying home, sleeping the day away.
Perphaps reading my book before it expires?

To bed.
In the afternoon.

The Evenstar.
Really beautiful.
I absolutely love it.
I can't wait to see it on someone's neck!
Click to see merchandise 

Just woke up.
It doesn't feel like a Thursday morning at all.
I feel lazy right now even as I type.
The warm rays from the sun on my skin, through the window.
The noiseless peace around my neighbourhood which often is quite dificult to find.
My mother waking me up to ask me if lunch would be a good idea.
So this is what I have been missing out every morning even as I go to work??

As I write this entry, I'm thinking of someone whom I just gave this web add to yesterday.
Can I still write as freely as before?
Certain feelings.. Can they be expressed here?
What if I say something wrong?
I don't want to mess things up.
It has happened once too many times.
But I don't want to spoil the openess in my writing, which I've been doing so far.
Hmm...

Went to the LOTR Exhibition at the Science Centre yesterday.
It was a pleasant experiance.
The exhibition hall was rather big, or maybe because I was tired from walking..
Basically it contains all the equipment used in the filming, the clothes, armour, weapons, and other yada yada stuff.
Guess what was the main thing that caught my attention throughout my few hours of stay at the science centre?
The Evenstar.
It was the pendent that Arwen wore, later given to Aragon because of her love for him, sacrificing her eternal life with the departure of the Evenstar.
I so badly wanted to buy the necklace and to offer it as a gift, only to be rejected the offer.
Now comes the part where I can't say too many things.
Hope you understand.
Till next time.
Gotta go surf for information on the Evenstar.

Today's blog is dedicated to you.
You know who you are!

Pink Floyd - Learning To Fly
Into the distance, a ribbon of black
Stretched to the point of no turning back
A flight of fancy on a windswept field
Standing alone my senses reeled
A fatal attraction is holding me fast, how
Can I escape this irresistible grasp?

Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted Just an earth-bound misfit, I

Ice is forming on the tips of my wings
Unheeded warnings, I thought I thought of everything
No navigator to guide my way home
Unladened, empty and turned to stone

A soul in tension that's learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I

Friction lock - set.
Mixture - rich
Propellers - fully forward
Flaps - set - 10 degrees
Engine gauges and suction - check

Mixture set to maximum percent - recheck
Flight instruments...
Altimeters - check both
... lights - on
Pitot Heater - on
Strobes - on
(to tower): Confirm 3-8-Echo ready for departure
(tower): Hello again, this is now 129.4
(to tower): 129.4. It's to go.
(tower): 3-8-Echo cleared takeoff, the wind's normal at 10 knots.
(to tower): 3-8-Echo
Easy on the brakes. Take it easy. Its gonna roll this time.
Just hand the power gradually, and it...

Above the planet on a wing and a prayer,
My grubby halo, a vapour trail in the empty air,
Across the clouds I see my shadow fly
Out of the corner of my watering eye
A dream unthreatened by the morning light
Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night

There's no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, A state of bliss
Can't keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I

XLII.

That thou hast her, it is not all my grief,
And yet it may be said I loved her dearly;
That she hath thee, is of my wailing chief,
A loss in love that touches me more nearly.
Loving offenders, thus I will excuse ye:
Thou dost love her, because thou knowst I love her;
And for my sake even so doth she abuse me,
Suffering my friend for my sake to approve her.
If I lose thee, my loss is my love's gain,
And losing her, my friend hath found that loss;
Both find each other, and I lose both twain,
And both for my sake lay on me this cross:
But here's the joy; my friend and I are one;
Sweet flattery! then she loves but me alone.

==================

This sonnet is for you Tim.
I loved it the moment i read it.