wasted mind, wasted thoughts

Do forgive me if the lyrics are a bit off. I did it myself.

The Observatory - Killing Time

Killing time,killing time
Don't really know what to do
Sad is the man who lives by the sea

Wasting time, wasting time
Watching as nothing goes by
Sad is the man with an empty life

Killing time, killing time
Long is the passage of time
Sad is the man with an absent mind

Waiting time, waiting time
Run as the wind goes by
Sad is the man who is tired of life

So sad is the man
So sad is the man

Sad is the man who lives by the sea (so sad is the man)
Sad is the man who lives by the sea (so sad)

Killing time, killing time
Over the sea gates each day
Sad is the man who has fallen away

Passing time, passing time
Never once stopping to stay
Sad is the man who has lost his way

Bored.

Last night was at Traders Hotel. My friend had a room and it so happened that her birthday was coming.
Something unfortunate happened.
M and I wanted to get her a present.. M called to ask if perfume was ok and I said it should be. She bought it and to our pleasant surprise, the receiver is allergic to scents! And the worse part is, M doesn't even want to take my money for the gift! It made me feel so bad... Damn. In the end I just got a cake and had to make do with it. I think we'll get another present for her.
So what's gonna happen to the bottle of perfume? M said that she could give it to her friend as her birthday was coming soon too. Hope she isn't lying..
Played pictionary the whole night. Pictionary is fun! At least when you've nothing to do.. And it's fun when you've found the right people to play it with =)

Oh no. I think I'm falling into a trap again. I really enjoy M's company. Now I'm doubting myself. I'm gonna go against all that I've said before. I think I'll just go easy and be as per normal. I don't want to feel rejected again. If only she could tell me what's going on in her head.

Great lyrics. Circling Square by Humpback Oak. Do support the local scene.

Humpback Oak - Circling Square

I don't see the need to classify her
I've decided that she is everything I need
There really is no need to classify her
I'll never hurt her 'cos she can be so good to me

Wait and see
I'll wait and see till she sends for me
Sends for me
Oh honey when you send for me
I'll be there for you anywhere
Circling square

I don't see the need to complicate her thoughts and actions and these
I love her the way she is
I love to see her smile
She's so lovely
Even when I'm bleeding I dream of satisfying her needs

Wait and see
I'll wait and see till she sends for me
Sends for me
Oh honey when you send for me
I'll be there for you anywhere
Circling square

Things that make me smile (It makes me smile)
And I'm alone and she's alone with me (It makes me smile)
And I'm alone and she's alone with me (It makes me smile)
And I'm alone and she's alone with me (It makes me smile)
And I'm alone and she's alone now

Wait and see
Wait and see till she sends for me
Sends for me
Oh honey when you send for me
I'll be there for you anywhere
Circling square

What a lonesome Sunday afternoon. It's dark and quiet. It's raining. Listening to the MP3s from The Observatory. Very dreamy. Such melancholic feelings it stirs. Leslie's voice seems so silent and weak, yet loud and strong at the same time.
What is becoming of the Singapore local scene? No one get's anywhere. I believe all human beings want some sense of recognition, for the effort in whatever area they put it in. Recognised effort.
Who will give them the recognition they ask for? The small crowd they perform in front of? Well, if it was me, I would be glad if that were to happen. I don't know about them. First we must ask ourselves the purpose and what we want out of all the effort put it. If we know what we want, I believe we will be easily contented and not ask for more.

I want dinner.

The concert yesterday was pleasant. It was long, but endurable. Close to 4hrs? I swear I almost couldn't get up. Well, M couldn't.. Haha!

The concert struck a chord in my heart. It set me thinking while I was caught within the melodic dreamy tunes of The Observatory. Am I giving in to the system? Have I faltered? Am I getting weary?
I love music. I love playing. But when was the last time I actually touched my guitar? When was the last time I sat down, caught deep in writing? I have lost the battle with the system. I am just a product of the experiment (lyrics from a song). Whose experiment? You know jolly well.

I'd better go get ready. Meeting M to get a present for someone's birthday.
Take care my friends. Thank you for all your ears when I needed them.

Nothing to write about. It seems so for the past few days. Not that I HAVE to write, but then it just seems that there isn't anything interesting worth writing here. There's no UUMMPPHH in my life (sounds like someone speaking for a seminar called "How to quit being a loser!")
What can be done to change the whole picture? Changes in the me? Changes in the people I'm with? Changes in my surroundings? It'll be good to know.
Oh no. I don't want to go into the mayonaise mood. I remember how sh*tty I felt before, how I dread about everything around me, how I look at everything in disgust. Worst of all, I'm a part of that "everything".

No more promise no more sorrow
No longer will I follow
Can anybody hear me
I just want to be me
When I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will

How difficult it is to achieve the above, given the society we live in.
what about the selfishness that we breed in our young? How can we make it different? I look at the people who work around me everyday. All I see is SELF. Most of them are only interested in SELF. Self before others. That's the motto that everyone adheres to now.
But who am I to criticise? I am just like the rest.

I am only human.

Hey snake, I guess you'll love this song. But do listen with moderation. It's for all the melancholic minded people out there. I remember listening to it all the time when I was down there. Enjoy ;)


Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonaise

Fool enough to almost be it
Cool enough to not quite see it
Doomed
Pick your pockets full of sorrow
And run away with me tomorrow
June

We'll try and ease the pain
But somehow we'll feel the same
Well, no one knows
Where our secrets go

I send a heart to all my dearies
When your life is so, so dreary
Dream
I'm rumored to the straight and narrow
While the harlots of my perils
Scream

And I fail
But when I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will

Mother weep the years I'm missing
All our time can't be given
Back
Shut my mouth and strike the demons
That cursed you and your reasons
Out of hand and out of season
Out of love and out of feeling
So bad

When I can, I will
Words defy the plans
When I can, I will

Fool enough to almost be it
And cool enough to not quite see it
And old enough to always feel this
Always old, I'll always feel this

No more promise no more sorrow
No longer will I follow
Can anybody hear me
I just want to be me
When I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will

Wish you were here - Pink Floyd

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Yawn.. Boring day.
I'm currently all alone at home now. I hate being alone. I can't stand loneliness. So maybe now some of you might understand why I'd call out of the blue, asking you out for a movie or a cuppa.
It was the same yesterday. I was all alone at home, wasting some time on the net and on TV. I was actually expecting my parents to come home soon. I was glad to see them when they were back. Weird.. I admit I used to detest their presence because of the nagging and grumbling. Maybe now that the nagging and grumbling has decreased due to my aging and growing maturity (though still rather immature), we've moved on to casual chat about programmes on TV or even the current news. I even went shopping with my mom recently (oh my God) which I've never done before. I'm starting to accept them more, as people close to me. I don't want to describe them as family. I'd rather use the phrase "people close to me" as these are the people I care for. I can dislike a family member, but hating people close to me? Then they wouldn't be close to me in the first place!
But sad to say not long after they came back, I left in the midst of watching American Idol with my dad. He was actually quite amazed at my departure partly because it was late, and partly coz I'm leaving on a TV show I watch quite often. I went to attend to a call from a friend as she wanted company. Going all the way down to ChinaBar, I was really bored as I didn't want to go in the first place. But well, I can't leave a friend in the lurch right? No strings attached. It was just out of plain concern. But I wanted to leave the place early and send her back so I could go to sleep. Been kinda tired recently.

There're so many movies out today! Today marks another batch of new movies coming in. The last batch was great! Managed to catch most of them. Glad that I did.. Or I'll blame myself. I don't watch movies alone. I need company! I'd die if everyone around me were to vanish into thin air, leaving me with no one to talk to. Now I need to find some people to watch all these new movies... But the problem is everyone's busy studying. I guess I need to catch one or two shows alone. Self indulgance. Hmmm.

Nobody wants to be lonely. We need attention and love. I know I need them. Be reminded love doesn't only apply to the birds and the bees. Love can come actually from many areas that we've not taken much notice to. Let's all find love together shall we? Sounds kinda hippy... Like from the 60's or so. Oh well.

All we need is love!

Currently feeling alone. The wanting to do something is strong now. I can't find anything to do! I tried asking xw for a movie, the butterfly effect, to be exact, but he has a match in NTU! argh.. I think I need more friends. Close friends. And available. Maybe that explains the wanting for a girlfriend that so many people experiance. Seems that way from the snake's blog. The longing for companionship. We as humans can never be alone. We need company. Not anybody's company, but someone who is close to us, someone we can relate to. I believe a girlfriend can provide that, but friends still can make up for that. Temporary. So for now I guess I can live without one. Unless all my friends around me just vaporize into thin air. Oh yah, don't forget we have our family as well.

Manchester United Football Club. The fall of a giant. The higher you climb, the lower you fall. Disappointment at it's peak! That's how I'm feeling! My dad told me the final score in the morning as I couldn't finish the match last night. I left at 3-1. Couldn't take the shame. 4-1 was the final score. I was shocked. Good bye MU. I won't forget the glory you left behind.

M asked me to ice-skating yesterday! I was in surprised! It was a rarity that she would ask me out. She called on a Saturday evening for the next day itself. Guess what? I didn't want to go. Weird isn't it? For people who knows what's happening, they would say "Are you crazy?! Isn't this what you want?!?!" No. This is not what I want. I don't like ice-skating. I will no longer do things I dislike for someone else. I will do things for myself and for people whom I think are worth it. Not that she's not worth it.. I just don't like ice-skating!
Then came Sunday where I told her I was tired, the usual answer she used to give me, and whether I could pass. She said she wanted me to go as her other 2 friends were a couple. So.. I said OK. I SAID OK. I went home, watched LOTR and slept, waiting for her to call me.
It was postponed.
To speak the truth, I was quite glad. I was really tired and not interested! If it were a movie, I'd gladly fly to the place to watch it. I'm a movie lover mind you! And of course, I love the opposite sex just as much. So it would be a good combination, movies and girls.

Work work work. I want to ORD. Why does all the shit happen to me? But I just gotta do it. No point complaining. I've gotta get things done even if shit happens. Do your best!

I need money. I hope it falls from the sky. This world is so fucked up. Everything's about money. Money this, money that. I remember when I was much younger, I kept asking myself about the need of money. Why did men create money? Why can't everybody just work and supply? Of course I told myself later that people would be lazy as there wasn't anything to work for. Then came another question. Don't people supply to their children for free as they love them? Why can't everyone in the world just love each other and help each other out? If we're hungry, those with food will provide. Basic necessities are some of the things that certain individuals don't even have. I spoke about balance in my last post. Is there a balance between those in poverty and those with immense wealth? The difference is ridiculous. People dying from hunger, people thinking getting money to study (me), and people having everything in the world (i.e. Lambourgini Diablo, without a license, and only 18). I admit, I am jealous at a certain extent. But is it right? I question myself but can't find an answer. Somehow I feel that there is a flaw, a problem, that needs to be solved, but no one bothers, or no one knows how. I don't know how. I am just a kid.

I emphasise the point again. I am no saint. The above is just food for thought. I don't donate all my money to charity. I still use it to on toto, smokes, and women. I'm only human.

Why is finding a balance in anything so difficult?
Take good and bad for an example. Why do people only look at the good aspects whereas they overlook the bad side or even choose to look at it in disgust. It indeed is difficult, striking a balance in everything. Why can't we treat everything equally? I admit I am not a saint. I still fall into the same hole everyone falls into. I am only human.

Just applied for NUS not long ago. I take it as a 0.001% chance in continuing the race. I look at education as a race now.. Just like the rest. I don't want to lose out. Education is supposed to EDUCATE. That is it's purpose. Not perfect results, the jobs we get, nor the salary we draw. As what I discussed with Goose, people no longer look at the values behind things. They look for material things instead. Soon the world will be rid of values because of the practical monetary reasons which they think are important. What about the meaning of life? What about being human? What about our close ones? What about those who have yet experiance what we think is life but in actual fact might not be?

We got to hang on to our beliefs. I think that is what we live for. Our so called "values", whatever it may be. Hold on my friends. Embrace life itself. Think of ourselves being fortunate enough, having the chance to think, feel, and most importantly live. We must first appreciate the basics before we learn to appreciate the rest.

I think I'm just being shallow. I should give myself a slap and tell myself to wake up and see the world in it's true form again.

Till then.

It's been a couple of days since i last stepped in here. I've got so many things to throw out from my head. Call it a "verbal diarrhoea", something I learned in OCS from my SSM. Let's just hope my brother isn't coming home that early today. It's because of him that kept me away from the rest of the world.

To start everything off, we won the Ironman Challange. Yes we did. It was an emotional moment. I can't explain the feeling that just exploded inside. I bet all of us felt that way. We are the champions.

Went to IDP with Kaiming yesterday at RELC to speak to some experts regarding education in Australia (sorry Eric my man, Melbourne isn't my cuppa.. Brisbane! Haha!). Took lotsa prospectus home (if that's what you call it or spell it). Had dinner after that then went to proceed home. On the bus I saw someone whom I wouldn't imagine I would see again. I saw the person of my interest 10 years ago. That would mean when I was 12. My first crush? I felt weird. I could feel adranaline just flowing through every inch of my body. She was with her boyfriend. Many thoughts ran through my mind. Should I say hi? Would she say hi? Would she recognise me? I bet she did. She stole a few glances and I looked back, holding some hope of her speaking to me. I remember trying very hard to get her contact when she moved. I did not get it, and I never heard from her since.
I know everyone would wonder, why the hell didn't I start the ball rolling by going up to her instead? I can tell everyone this and you all wouldn't believe it. I am actually quite an introvert. I've got no balls.
Not everyone knows me.
Oh yes, I don't blame anyone if they think of the incident as childish. They can stop reading anytime they want.

Today I got a lashing from my boss. To keep the story short, I will just post a question. Should I still think of others when I'm at the brink of losing my head? Sigh.. We shall see. I see myself standing on that fine line, waiting to fall on either side and I predict myself caring for my head being intact to the others. I tell myself I've done what I could, I console myself that it's ok, I do care for them. But when I give in, will they understand me? Why do I think this way? I wanted this seat right? Go on, complain, it won't change anything.

Final words.
Don't sacrifice too much. I'm going to throw the harsh fact in your face. Stop allowing yourself to be blatantly used. Why allow it to happen when you know you're gonna be used? When you say you wanna wake up, you better mean it. Promises don't mean anything if they're not kept.

Peace.

Tim's on the way to grab me for dinner. Gonna stay in camp later. Tomorrow's the big day! Frankly speaking, I'm rather nervous. I don't know why, it's a small event but I feel so much for it. I wonder how I'll feel if we were to lose.. I'd breakdown, but I know I can't. In front of my men? If we were to win. I'd breakdown. I forgot to mention on my Wednesday's post that I almost teared after finishing the rundown. It was so emotional. We were so bonded, plus the feeling of accomplishment. It's a feeling you'll hardly get. It's like winning the world cup? I remember I last felt that way when I was in Brunei, or did I? Another time I could remember having such a feeling was when Man U won the Champion's League. The match against Bayern Munich. 2 late goals. The treble. I called xw and I was tearing. It indeed is an emotional moment. What determines these emotional moments? Getting something which you've yearned so hard for? Or for enduring till the fruits of your labour were to be ripe for the plucking? I don't know. But I have to admit that I love this feeling. The drive that I get from all these moments are memorable.

I'm rather worried about my platoon. It seems they are really falling apart. The sections are too individualistic. They don't work with the rest. I feel that I'm not doing my job well enough. I gotta get a hold of all of them and give them a good talk. But I'm not much of a public speaker! I can't do speeches for nuts! I think I'll just pour everything out about my feelings for them and how we as humans should be. Helpful towards one another. Especially when we're from the same camp or even still, the same platoon. If we don't cooperate, who will?

Now where the heck is Tim. I'm getting hungry.

Hmm.. Just got back from the movie. It was not bad. You can really feel the loneliness and the awkward feelings the characters have for each other. Responsibility over romance.. Weigh it.

I don't know why I'm thinking of a certain somebody now happily clubbing away.. Shooo awful thought! Can't be bothered. Or am I? Who cares, I'm going to sleep.

Damn it.. I'm good at contradicting myself. Please wake me up, somebody?

Good night quiet and lonesome night.

Clocked some good timing today! The full rundown to prepare us for Saturday is indeed worthwhile. The concertina wires were a killer. The whole thing is really inspirational. I'm really psyched up for Saturday. Come what may! I'm not afraid anymore! The teamwork and the cooperation between our team is so closely bonded that I'm amazed. It has been a long time since I felt so good about doing something.. Since OCS? Warren Jaffar is the real inspiration. For a person his age, doing this wouldn't be any good for him. He's doing even better, compared to the youths like me. I really feel that he should be the team captain.. I'm not worthy! I hate the rank thing. I really give him my full respect.

Going to watch another movie later. It seems everyone is busy. I thought I was going to watch it alone by myself. Lost In Translation is ending it's run soon! I'm gonna catch it with someone later! haha! I'm so glad I managed to find someone to accompany me, but I had to pay for her.. It's part of the deal. Ha.. Don't get it wrong! She did not force me! She said she doesn't have cash and was really reluctant to watch, but with my persuasion and the deal thrown in, I got myself company! So I think I shouldn't complain right?

My back, shoulders, and feet are aching. Ouch. AND I'VE GOT A HOLE IN MY PANTS!!! Damn concertina wires! @!$%^@

Hmm... I've been writing so much about everyday life now. Not many happenings to make me think and ponder and write. That proves one point. I'm no longer haunted by girl stuff! YEAH!
So to those who face such hauntings, I urge you to let it all go. It's really not worth it. Lead your own life. Don't let others play with it.

THE END (sheesh...)

Yawn. Spent most of my time today on Ironman stuff. Training, some naps, and a briefing.
I'm having mixed feelings. I'm afraid I'll be a laughing stock by pulling the rear legs of my guys, but on the other hand, I'm excited that it's nearing. I enjoy the satisfaction from completing each of the tough training that we go through. The tough training brings us confidence. No wonder they say the best welfare is tough training... Totally zonked! Every time I sat down I would knock out on whatever I lay my ass on. The fatigue really sat in this time.. Tomorrow will be the a run down of the real thing to test run the course. And I'm glad we're the ones doing it! It'll hopefully give us an edge over the rest...

Met up with her yesterday for a movie. I was tired but I forced myself to go.. I bet whoever's reading this would think I'm fucking the fatigue to meet her. YOU'RE WRONG. I had to watch a movie because there are so many good ones out there! (Oh fuck.. Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King won EVERY single nomination. Heck. Sounds dodgy.) But even though it's not because I missed her badly, I still enjoyed the movie. the dinner, and the slow, long walk back to her home. We talked and talked and talked along the way. I don't actually recall speaking so much with her.. Maybe it's because I don't feel restricted anymore. Funny... But I still gotta admit she's really a lovely lady with a matured mind and great personality.
Oh well, whatever. I hate my limited vocabulary.
Oh yah, Eric I love you!

Sleep well tonight, you've got a long tiring day tomorrow.